Is this good? Love you
Another day just passed, and I felt really heartbroken for so many reasons, but simultaneously, and ironically was reminded about being extraordinarily grateful for the same..
I got the news of a colleague passing in her sleep, leaving behind a beautiful young family, without goodbyes, yet plans she had shared that in hindsight stretched way beyond the few breaths she had left for her.
I thought of another colleague fighting a battle to win with all her might and optimism despite the reality of her terminal illness becoming too difficult to escape.
And then I say down with a patient who broke down the first time as he shared, after his partner of 40 years succumbed to an illness they both fought together for the last few years, that he had accepted the facts finally and looked forward to spending the next few years with his adult children and grand children, but he was just now diagnosed with an incurable disease himself.
An elderly gentleman who was literally in denial about his 90 year old wife on her deathbed, stating she was all that he had in his life since he was 5, and she was 10 years old.. his friend, his guide, his mentor, life partner, best friend, and soulmate.. He didn’t shed a tear when I discussed her grave prognosis and unfortunately lack of meaningful options. I’m unsure of if I saw hope in his wrinkled eyes, or that I witnessed all the love he had had for her literally transition to hatred towards this cruel life’s bitter truth, with an ocean of unimaginable helplessness, the kind that I didn’t have any treatment for, despite everything that medicine has taught me.
And then, with another successful colleague whose journey had been nothing but paving his path to a bright future he had fully invested himself in, going at full speed, only to have have his life suddenly hit the brakes, demanding his presence somewhere far more important, and forcing him to drop everything he had planned.
Somehow I was in the middle of all of this, and probably have been, numerous times, reminded about how tomorrow is not guaranteed. Yet, we stay angry for too long, worry too much about things that won’t matter much, postpone a call, delay travel plans for something insignificant, lose sleep over something trivial, and plan endlessly for a lifetime and beyond, dream big, and keep hoping for infinite tomorrows, although we’re aware of the unpredictability of life.
And such js life- complicated, breathtakingly beautiful yet unbearably cruel.
While we’re busy chasing the next milestone, we forget how someone else is deprived of this so called ordinary day that we’re so fortunate to be living.
I am grateful to be in it, to have existed just another day, to witness the priceless moments of my family.. the journey so far of my children, my parents, my sister, the love of my life, treat my patients, be by my friends and colleagues, teach my residents and students..
As bitter the truth of end of life is, I’m thankful to be able to feel and love, hope and give, and most importantly perhaps somehow selfishly to even just be alive and here, for just another day.
Pallavi Aneja MD
NotesOfADrMom 